the lasting impact of masking who you are

Take off your mask, your face is beautiful

In the therapy room, I talk with a lot of clients about relationship struggles—whether that’s not finding a partner or friend group they really click with, feeling anxious about opening up, wondering if they'll ever have the kind of connection they want, or just not knowing how to talk about certain things.

Some common themes come up: worries about sounding dumb, being too clingy, too sensitive, or just not interesting enough. Sometimes this stuff goes way back—old patterns from childhood, growing up feeling different, or trying to figure out how to “fit in” while being neurodivergent. Sometimes it’s trauma. Sometimes it’s just the hard parts of being human. If any of this sounds like you, I can relate.

As a kid, I remember often being in my head about the right and wrong ways to behave. A lot of of my childhood actually, was based in insecurity due to a dog bite accident at age 5, which left physical scars on my face, and drew a lot of attention and comments from other kids. In elementary school, I got in a lot of trouble for talking too much and had difficulty remembering things and retaining information. My parents were told by teachers that I couldn’t read. In my preteen years, I have vivid memories of being fearful about not fitting in. I often felt isolated and insecure, and as a result, I found myself connecting with other kids who felt the same way. These kids were not the best influences to be around, but in a way, I felt more accepted by them because there were not these social rules I had to abide by. I dropped out of regular high school and finished in night school, with a bunch of adults. I hated attention being on me, then covered myself with tattoos. Life led me in down some super weird, risky roads, then right back up to the straight line again... well, sometimes. It's hard to say if the dog bite at 5 was the thing that ultimately would lead to a lifetime of social awkwardness, insecurity, and sketchy behavior, or if something else about my mind was already at work at that time, but at age 35, I received an official diagnosis of ADHD.

At some point, I now believe the pressure of it all became too much, and I just did not have the tools or support I truly needed. I was always too direct, too harsh, or too deep. I was most liked when I was the compliant child, the fun party girl, or the agreeable girlfriend. All of which is such a small part of who I actually am. I am all of those things and I am ALSO, clingy, outspoken, a rule following goody-goody, and a rebellious adult who hates rules and standards.

Societal standards of behavior - the masks we wear

This experience I think is all too familiar for all humans. Fortunately, nowadays, there has been more recognition of mental health and the impact this has on all of us humans. We are all so diverse, yet have these expectations to behave in very specific ways socially. This creates all kinds of dissonance about finding love and acceptance, and what really creates deep meaningful connection. Is it behaving a certain way that helps our relationships or is it being our authentic selves? What am I supposed to do and say to fit in, and why does it feel so bad when I do that? Does everyone go through this? Who gets to create that rule anyway?

Authenticity - THE formula for connection

There is a stage of life that not many people talk about, and it is the developmental stage after early adulthood. Where we all start to really reflect on our past experiences and dive a bit deeper into understanding ourselves and growing as authentic humans. This requires us to drop our mask in order to find ourselves as fully seen and accepted. During this stage of our personal development, we may lose a lot. Friendships can fall apart, we might switch careers, and a lot of it can feel extremely scary and isolating. This is how we know we are just about to meet our true self.

It’s not until we go through this isolation, shedding of old patterns and behaviors, and re-awakening that we are able to create deeper, more meaningful connections. Because the only way we’re able to do this is with a full understanding and acceptance of who we are: The person who sometimes talks over others. The person who is very direct. The person who has weird interests and hobbies, or notices depth in seemingly simple things. The person whose traumatic experiences have left lifelong scars. When we embrace all of that which makes us unique, we are finally able to align with others who love value and appreciate that uniqueness.  The anxiety drifts away, the heaviness & tension releases, and we are finally connected. 

Ready to dive into your own authenticity? You can schedule a free consultation call with Monik by visiting our contact page.